unemployed husband won't do housework

So I have been the bread winner. The most important thing to do is acknowledge that youll have great days and terrible days. Jan 14, 2016 Updated Jan 20, 2017. Now, dont get me wrong, I am all about improving skills. (A word to the wise: Have the discussion when youre well-rested and have some alone time, not after a long day of putting out fires at work and home. I am so pleased to find all these terrific partners with slugs who conned us into love. I can tell a long story of my life with him and everything we been through but it would be a book. We live paycheck to paycheck. Get off the bloody couch and go lose weight, go take some confidence building training, look for companies seeking interns, volunteer, gain experience, but most importantly GO GET ANY PAYING JOB AVAILABLE IN THE MEAN TIME!!! I need her so badly to fix herself, becuase Ive got nothing left. You have a wife and children. what has been the hardest to watch, is his lack of incentive or ambition, and now his fits of rage and defensiveness about the realities of his situation. So dont give me that oh, be patient, hes having a rough time, he was abused when he was a child, blah blah blah Well you know what I say, so what. I am not going to waste what life I have left on this planet to support some mooching con artist. I feel like Im trapped between a rock and a crazy place; I have to keep working to keep paying the endless bills; to keep a roof over our heads; to put food on the table. The rest of the time he is playing video games, laying in bed, hanging out with his friends.. basically do whatever he wants. I believe im not the only one facing this problem here.. Im suppose to be supported.. Of him its hard too really is.. This is CRAP advice. Things obviously happen for a reason. Many people placed the blame squarely on me when I didnt get an offer and had little regard for the amount of competition I was up against and the incompetence of the people who couldnt see the value I could bring to their organizations although some of them could see it but were threatened by it. You grow., Im Sick of Being the Bad Guy in Relationships. He keeps saying he wants a job, but without any results I dont trust him or believe him. I tell myself that it cant go on like this forever but when is this disaster going to come to an end. Disillusioned. My husband has been essentially out of work for 5 years. He said hes always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. Start one day at a time. But I have been the sole breadwinner ever since our kids were born. "I have a chronic illness which makes it hard to do any physical work.". Not sure whats goin on with a dude who has had 7 jobs in a short period of time.. I feel like I am taking care of a 16 year old. then in 2011 she brought a gang of 4 smoochers for 2 years. Which had lead me to just shutting down. Watching my husband do nothing, except for maybe spending an hour on the pc sending cvs really bothers me. Thank you for your comment. I never had a day off with work and household chores. He always complains we dont ever do anything together but doesnt alleviate any of the chores from my shoulders so we can get done and have time together. I posted on here for the first time in 2012 when I had already been supporting my boyfriend for about a year. as i see it an sahm's role is to run the home, husbands job to provide the income and childcare should be shared. As hes been out of his profession for so long, its doubtful hell be rehired in the same profession, much less at the same salary. He chose to live on the streets eventually staying with his sister then ultimately admitting himself into a detox/psych ward where he met another addict coming off methadone. I have to work to support us. Being in this relationship is exhausting. Its beyond frustrating. When I have mentioned selling some of his toys to make sure we will be able to pay the mortgage and put food on our table he says I need to do more! As for my husband hes the best man Ive ever known. So, my husband and I moved to a new state 2 years ago, and the job we thought he would have had through a staffing agency fell through. I pay everything and he tells me I cant handle money right! He gets great jobs but than quite them due to something he dont like about the job, or a person he dont like at a job. His mother is sending me money to help pay bills each month but she shouldnt have to. It has been 11 years and it still hurts every day. What happens then and the details around this are still up in the air. I need help to convince or at least show my mother that she is in this situation. Until then, I try to do as much housework as possible, I try to cook for him and I constantly remind him how much I love him and appreciate him. On may2nd 2016, she started her 5-weeks of agressive radiotherapy. My mom was so happy that at least one of us were married (I did not get married until 6 years afterward). My boyfriend moved in with me back in 2010; has held a bunch of jobs for not much more than 90 days. Im haunted already. I wont repeat all the things others have said but I definitely and specifically related to the half-cocked job searches, being unemployed myself due to layoff and proving to him how and that its possible to work your ass off, rely on faith AND works and get a new career. Like his own father, my husband also won't do dishes. I am so torn and feel so unhappy. Fortunately, he receives food stamps, but it does not relieve the financial pressure I am under. The more she gives up, the more I feel like all the carrying Ive been doing for the last 6 years was for nothing! I keep looking at the name on this because I swear I feel as though Im reading something I wrote. She resfused to take a fulltime job as she went to university to get a law degree! Im never recommending my nephew for another job where I work ever again and it was a terrible mistake the one and only time I did it. Ive worked too hard, stressed out too much and given up too much, for her to just give up! The complaining is endless and the idea is supposed to be that if men aren't . Now our two boys are 4.5 and 3 year old and in full time daycare. My twist is that Im not in great health. All he needs is a foot in the door. Im not alone in this. Therefore, understand his capabilities and begin with a little at a time. We are to the point where we need so many things and are falling behind on everything. If youre here, then youre looking for help and answers, but unlike a lot of us, youre not stuck. In a perfect world, both partners would work toward the success of their relationship. Its been over a year and he hasnt even bothered looking for a job. Press J to jump to the feed. Wish you the best. Who knows. We moved to a new city together last April so I could go back to school and she worked for 2 months during the Summer, but has been for the most part unemployed since last January. He will not clean. I understand how you suffer long term; and how disappointed you feel about your partner. And promptly blew it. Now he convinced me to invest my retirement in a company y he began and I havent seen any return in over 3 years.. He doesn't do laundry, claims the machine confuses him and folding is tedious and sucks. Its takes a couple of years to figure peoples motives out sometimes. I am about to break up with my boyfriend. Add a full time job on top of that, and you WILL become overwhelmed and your marriage is doomed to fail due to resentment. While I struggle every day to support us. He has turned into a man-child, basically, clinging to me because he has no friends and family in town, glad when I have a day off and wants to spend all his time with me, when I need time to myself! Housework really is a full-time job, muses my septuagenarian father. network a little in your workplace youll find someone. I have asked him to get counseling and he starts but quits. He hasnt had a job in 2 years. Very easy when youve never ever been there.. Hard to be turned on with so much resentment. He plays this game: I applied for four jobs today.a month goes by, he never bothered to follow up on the jobs. Keep a sound point of view. I actually felt better reading all these responses because i know I am not alone and I have a place to vent. I still want a life with him but not sure how to even go from here. My husband has been unemployed for 18 months. We have a little baby, thank God for breast milk otherwise my poor child will be starving.He spend most of his time on the internet watching you tube videos. That's because spoiling your children doesn't teach them how the world works. We all dothose of us carrying the burden of caring for a bumknow what we ought to do to be free, only to face the other challenge of actually breaking it off. Swipe right to someone else. The real issue is that in a healthy relationship finances are a shared facet of life. But Ive invested so much of myself physically, emotionally, and financially, that I am scared sh**less to give it up. I have a good career, so there was no immediate pressure for her to find employment. When I ask them if theyve had a discussion about the roles each is taking on and how theyll split up the household responsibilities, I almost always get a no.. He has applied for a handful of jobs in that time, he has really good experience but nothing has come of it. All of historys military commanders, Kings, and Emporers never had in their wildest dreams the strdength it takes some of us to walk back into our homes after work knowing that we will be welcomed with complaints and sinks full of dishes. A month after this post, he got a job. Thank you for your comment. Therapists and counselors can also often provide resources and help to those seeking employment. However, one job he went too, he got sick two weeks after starting and got let go, it wasnt his fault, but it seemed to trigger something, ever since then, he cant keep a job for more than a few weeks or months at a time. Patient through him not getting right on it after he lost his job waiting close to 8 months before starting his search. Ive just come across it and want to say that as a partner of an unemployed man who Ive been supporting for nearly a yearthis time.i agree that its not all about the poor unemployed person who must feel stressed n guilty etc.try working 50hrs a week and paying all the bills while ur partner stays home and doeswell,who knows whatgets up at midday..then talk about stress. She perceived this indolence as emasculating. Our biggest asset in life is our time. Now I am extra disappointed that so many of these chores still fall to me on top of my demanding job. But we cant. i dont know if youll ever see this. I have health problems which make full time work, and also training afterwards, very hard. But I realize this has not been healthy for me or the marriage. I know I will get flack for this, but I just cant believe what men these days are expecting of their wives. Stir up some excitement by finding fun ways to get your husband mentally involved in the chores. I am asking God to relieve us all of this pain we have endured. Until this bf I didnt realize there were people who cared so little about what they were putting another person through. I have been going through this lifestyle with my husband of 9 years and together for 18 Lord knows how long. Weve divided their advice into two categories: what they tell the exhausted spouse and what they tell the spouse whos slacking off. On top of that i dont have anyone who can watch him nor can i afford a daycare for him to go to. He actually GOT HIRED. He expects me to buy his gas and food, doesnt even say thank you. Oh yea and try being supportive when u know they walked out on their job. Include all the household tasks, including cleaning, cooking, ironing, yard work, repairs, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. She has a million excuses why she cant or wont find work. The last 2 weeks, Ive been treathning to kick him out if he doesnt have his rent money. Originally we both wanted me to be a stay at home mom, so my husband doesnt even want me to work anyway. I lost my job few months back but did not get new one till nowalmost money is finished. Its been nine years since my husband last held a job. I have been supporting us both for the last two years, which wouldnt bother me if she was actively looking for work. He feels bad hes not helping. This is it , if The job doesnt work out ,, i just cant do this .. anger at his life, constant disappointment in me .. Now that we own a house, the house is not big enough, its not warm enough, its not laid out the way he wants. The man claims he doesn't need to do any housework . Ive been in this relationship for 6 1/2 years and he hasnt worked a job for most of it..3 months here, almost 2 yrs of unemployment benefits ( which all through I was calmly pointing out isnt income but a benefit for hard times )then 3 months there and 6 months unemployed and not looking. Obviously no financial support.and I am now questioning whether he is able to provide for me long term financially and emotionally. I'm okay with being the primary earner, but it is only fair that if I am, we at the very least split the household tasks 50/50, if not him doing them altogether. I know it is not something I will be able to talk about when I get home, I will have to say it was boring or all I did was work (even though we are already planning lots of cocktails, sitting by the pool and massages). They usually lazy in their daily routine. I cook and clean and critiqued for all I do ,, my house is a construction zone with about 10 projects not completed,, theres some hope he may get done training but he doesnt get along well with the other animals .. Its 10 weeks and hell have to play nice , not fight or insult others.. Ive worked thru surgeries and injuries and raised a child ,, Im really done and want to be free if him ,, he says if he completes training and gets work we will split ,, how ironic ,, if he has an income it will be time for him to go ,, of course ! I knew he hated working as a slave, so one day when he had a bleeding rectum we went to the urgent care center. Dont just give up on a good relationship it seems your BF doesnt want to lose you. I am not pressuring him about his job hunt, and Ive offered to help him find (and cover the cost of) a therapist, which he declined. Another common response among the study's participants was behaviour modification. So it was not easy for him to get job. DH is ok with doing the minimal. He paid our rent for awhile, paid off my $6000 loan, and bought us both vehicles. My main problem was acceptance that I had a chronic pain and working around that. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. And until our bills becomes a reality, you will still have problems even if you find a job. They keep saying the economy has turned around and unemployment is half what it was at the beginning of the recession, but what about all of our partners who have actually been trying to find work and keep getting rejected? Go figure. How did he even graduate from college? but won't allow you to pay for them to get done. boeing 767 patriot express. I am a CPA, but even I was never even called in for an intervier for a job that matched exactly the experience and qualifications that the job wanted. Im not hoping or expecting to do nothing around the house I just wish he would make more of an effort. It I made enough to support us all and have money for savings and extras I would be just fine with him doing his thing. I wouldnt categorize or suggest that youre lazy or unmotivated but you really need to take control of your own life and not depend on or blame others for why you arent getting a job to support yourself. They just dont see or even appreciate a lot of people doing what they hate, day in and day out, in order to be a responsible person, paying bills and supporting the family. Fabulous! Fast-food, retail, front desk, anything! you see I am a woman of faith and courage and I strongly believe in God. Cold hard truth, SAVE YOUR SELF. He has no ambition any longer to do better for himself or his family. Him with a job .. I hope that you feel better. He always talks about enjoying life, money is only a tool, blah blah blah but all because he knows I make good money with my job and I have no choice but to support him. ", Or as the researcher puts it: "There is an inequality of emotions here where wives' feelings matter less.". I wouldnt work even if I were physically able! God is able! Though he is kind, caring, and considerate, he lacked the necessary survival skills. If I wanted money, I wouldve kicked him out 8+ years ago when he left his job. I had no idea when we gor married that anythign like that was even possible, but I love my wife and stood by her, even as she tearfully admitted to herself and to me that she could never be a teacher. Yes its 5 years !! Like others have said you try and be supportive as much as you can, but sometimes I just want to scream and yell and go and find him a job myself. Is your husbands role in their lives good for them, on balance? Then he says he wants friendshes 57 years old. You are just as intuitive, empathetic and caring as she is. Just speaking the truth. So. She seemed to quit looking at the moment and when I confront her about work or money problems she tells me things I can do to get out money up. Im right there with u sister : ( Since I loved him, I bought him a car and paid off his ticket and got his license renewed. Hes been in and out of jobs since weve been together and his longest was 3 months part time. Constantly wanting to make long boring repetitive conversation. He does yard work and hes not a stranger to cooking a meal or doing laundry. And even you married him, you can dervoce. Since we first pretty much start dating.. During the 3 years yes he had some free lance jobs or temp jobs but nothing that lasts more then months at a time.. Or even a year. I graduated in May 2014 and we started dating shortly after. He has been incredible to my family & helped take care of me when I was recovering from surgery. She doesnt really even realize hes out of work. This dip s*** is running you like your his mommy come pick me up, I got fired again, the guys at the company looking out the window seeing numb nuts standing out on the street waiting for a ride form his girl, joke. I live off nothing now. He then drove away from her and took an overdose and died on a park bench. It seems to me that Men are not allowed to be out of work for more than a few months at best, where as many men have wives who do not work and spend their money but that is ok! I cant do this much longer! This person literally lays around on the couch all day playing on their phone, often applying for jobs that they have no intention of actually taking. I was working days and nights and to the point of falling asleep driving. There are so many of us out there crying for help and relief. I have been supporting my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. He still doesnt have a job but he has seen a doctor who has prescribed him some medication. You have done an amazing job of standing by your unemployed person's side despite the mental, physical, and spiritual turmoil . Am I being mean or rude? Have you considered going to a CODA meeting. The world is a much better place and I am so much happier. Seek marriage counseling if you are struggling with sharing household responsibilities. I try everything but it seems that when life wants to pick on someone it really is relentless. But now he left the College and he dont want to stud anymore. I wanted to come back and share with everyone, my spouse now has a full time job and he is actually enjoying it and really working hard at it. Or doing whatever chores you want done. I also have to take care of our two dogs, clean, cook and do laundry. He has not changed. Or possibly same sex lesbian couples.

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